As mentioned before I had an easy pregnancy and labor and delivery, but the postpartum really took a toll on me. I've even considered not writing about it, but maybe my story will help someone else dealing with it.
I read about postpartum recovery and I read about postpartum depression and the baby blues. I never dreamed that I would have a case of either of these. I just assumed I'd be happier than ever, I mean, the baby would finally be here and everything would be prefect, right?
It all started at the hospital when I realized I wasn't going to get to breastfeed Noah. I had planned on breastfeeding my whole pregnancy so we tried our hardest to make it work. I was producing, but Noah wouldn't eat. Once he would get latched on, he wouldn't do anything but lay there. It was like he didn't know how to eat or swallow. I called the lactation consultants several times, but they weren't of much help. As soon as he would latch on they would leave instead of staying and making sure he was getting something. I finally got so frustrated that I told the nursery to bring me formula because he hadn't eaten in almost two days of trying. Once we got home and got used to everything I went to return the breast pump and that made me even more upset because I realized I really wasn't going to breastfeed.
The first week at home was rough (as they all say). Noah was a very cranky baby. I was beginning to wonder if he was colic because it was continual crying for days. Nothing would make him stop crying. I got no sleep and all I wanted to do was cry when he cried. A few nights he was up literally all night. I would get so frustrated with him that I'd have to give him to Paul and go to another room. While at church he would sleep most of the time, but it started getting to where I had to stay in the nursery with him the whole service because he would wake up and cry.
Paul and I began to argue here and there (a lot more than normal) because we were both so cranky. Along with adjusting to having a baby, we were going through a financial struggle, and things in our personal lives had me stressed out. As I looked online at the symptoms of depression/blues I realized that was me. I was actually dealing with minor depression. I was not feeling happy about my life and I felt as though I had no one to go to, no one to talk to.
Now the weight loss. This has been my enemy! Sure everyone says "you look great!" and maybe I do, but I don't feel great. We've been almost late to church on occasion just because I've tried on 5 outfits that didn't work. By the time the pregnancy is over you don't want to keep wearing the same ole clothes you've had to rotate for months. Every week I try on my old skirts and they don't budge. I'm constantly worrying if my sides are hanging out of my shirts, is my skirt too tight? I can't comfortably wear tights. I gained a total of 32 lbs. with my pregnancy and have about 15 to loose. My stomach went down tremendously after delivery, but not enough to fit into my old clothes and feel good again.
On Sunday I was having a rough day and everything was making me upset. We went to church that evening and I didn't worship, I didn't pray, and I didn't stand up. When I took Noah to the nursery my pastor's wife came in there to ask if I was ok. Being the emotional basket case that I was, I immediately started crying and telling her everything I was feeling. It felt so good to finally be able to share my feelings with someone. I hadn't really even shared them with Paul. It was good to hear that I'm not the only one that goes through these hormonal changes after birth, and that I AM a good mom!
As a disclaimer: please don't get me wrong on this post, I am truly thankful for a smooth recovery and healing has not been a problem. I had no complications and I am truly blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Noah is doing much better. He is sleeping and eating great so that makes me a happy mama! "This too shall pass" has been running in my mind since Sunday. It is true you know! Here's to the road of recovery (in an emotional and physical sense).